What We've Got To Look Forward To

Silly blue state fun from the New Yorker. Note: If you're a Bush supporter, it's still okay to smile a little at these.

EXPECTED 2005 LEGISLATION FROM THE PRESIDENT: The Highlights

The Healing a Divided America Act: Shocked and saddened by the divisive nature of the recent Presidential campaign, President Bush will attempt to reach out to and pacify the two warring cultures in our country. Accordingly, a twenty-foot-high concrete security wall, topped by electrified razor wire, will be constructed as a barrier between blue states and red. Democrats and Republicans will have thirty days to relocate to blue states and red states, respectively, or else they will be placed in attractive government relocation camps for their own safety and comfort.

The Affordable Health Care for Everyone Act: All persons, regardless of age, sex, race, or income, will, for a nominal fee, be issued a Band-Aid, two aspirins, a Tums, a wallet-size card illustrating the Heimlich Maneuver, a recipe for chicken soup, and a leech.

The Gay Rights Act: All persons of the same sex, including family members, will have the right to hug, provided that there be at least two inches of air between their bodies during said hug and provided that both parties continue slapping each other’s back for the duration of the hug.

The Enhanced Homeland Security Act: Madame Cleo will be appointed head of airport security; she will train a cadre of psychics to scan the minds of boarding passengers, looking for terrorists. Illegal immigrants along the Mexican border will be subjected to random trick questions, such as whether they like hummus. Heads of households will be issued rocket-propelled grenades.

The Separation of Church and State Act: There will be no separation of church and state.

The Endangered Species Preservation Act: All endangered species will immediately be preserved by a national corps of expert taxidermists.